I usually do most of my reading and writing on weekend afternoons. I’ll make a cup of coffee or grab a seltzer from the fridge, sit down on the couch with my favorite blanket, open my laptop and fall down some rabbit hole, alternating between reading and writing. (Yes, I’m a little old lady. I know.)
It takes a little bit of easing into, but once I get going, I tend to lose myself in the process. I think it’s the closest I get to a state of flow. The day just melts away as I turn pages or type until all of a sudden it's time for dinner.
This past weekend, I just could not get into it for some reason. I felt very in my own head, sunk deep into one of those spirals of overthinking that has you second-guessing your every move, thought, and action. Motivation was low, and I just couldn’t get engaged or inspired, growing increasingly frustrated and self-critical instead.
What do you do when you’re having one of those moments? On Saturday, I tried to escape it by taking a nap. I woke up refreshed, but unfortunately still full to the brim with little niggling anxieties. But on Sunday, I woke up to a new development: sunlight streaming through my window!
Even though it’s officially been spring for a little while now, the weather in my area has been terrible for the past few weeks. Something about seeing the sun outside (and cross-checking with the weather app to make sure I was not hallucinating) made it feel like the first day of spring all over again. I instantly saw my chance to escape the overthinking spiral - I’d just go outside and leave it all behind for a little while!
I had no destination in mind, no errands to run, and no people to meet at the end of my walk. To be honest, I felt a bit silly at first. I kept trying to plan out where I would go and how long I would walk for, pausing to check Google Maps every few minutes because I still don’t know the area so well.
But after a few hours of soaking up the sun, power-walking into the lakefront wind and blasting Nicki Minaj, the cloud in my brain lifted. I sat down on a bench to take a break and read for a bit, noticing the birds chirping around me. I was approached by a girl selling Girl Scout Cookies - the first time I’ve had that quintessential American experience!
I don’t need to wax lyrical about the virtues of walking here (we all know walking is good for us, and Tiktok has even made it cool these days!). But somehow, something on that walk really did the trick for me, though it doesn’t always have that effect. At some point I managed to stop feeling self-conscious and worrying about everything. I switched the current affairs podcast I was trying to listen to to some music, zoned out for a bit, and felt my shoulders relax a little as I just let myself walk with no extra thought behind it. I returned feeling actually refreshed and rejuvenated in a way that no fancy self-care ritual has ever made me feel.
It’s not always easy to know how to lift yourself out of a rut. I wish I could bottle up this feeling of lightness and comfort, to find ways of accessing it at will, ones that are maybe not reliant on the weather. I’m trying to understand what it means to really take care of myself like this more often, so that more days can be spent in a state of flow rather than worrying about all the random little anxieties of life. As always, I’m still figuring it out, but I’m grateful to the weather gods for making it a bit easier this weekend at least.
I’d love to know - what do you like to do when you’re just feeling a bit bleh? Have you found any ways to take care of yourself that really improve your mood and nourish your soul?
Like you, mine is walking! I walk my dogs. I go even though I don’t want to but do it because of my dogs and I know that eventually it will feel good.
I’m in the part of the United States that was just hit with tornados recently, so I’m so glad the weather gods decided to bless you with fresh air and clear skies. It’s been sunny off and on here lately, but hopeful for sunnier days as we approach summer, like the one you just experienced. As of late, playing tennis has been my moment to refill my cup and disconnect from reality. Regardless of how my day is going, I know tennis will be there to pick me up.